I lived with many “should”s during my PhD. I should have worked harder in classes, spent more time on my essays, read more books, taken better notes, tried harder to set up reading groups, done more research, visited more archives, ordered more photocopies, applied for more conferences, networked more actively, worked more consistently on my dissertation, been a better TA, sought to teach my own courses, submitted articles to journals, applied to academic jobs and postdocs. I’m sure I’m forgetting some! A bad case of the shoulds is hardly unique to academia, but it’s a pretty common affliction. And, like any disease, it’s harmful!
My should troubles continued after defending my dissertation and graduating. This past fall I had moments of postdoc and job market should, and a worse case of book proposal should that continued into this year. On the non-academic front, I was hearing a steady stream of “you should apply for jobs” from friends and family and my own left brain. Then there’s the more serious “you should know what you want by now!” Trouble was, I didn’t.
Slowly, the shoulds are dissipating. They started going away without my active intervention, an outgrowth of improving self-esteem, a better support system, and my giving myself a break. Life is hard. How many people really know who they are or what they want? How many people even ask themselves such questions? I spent nearly a decade in grad school and years before that on the academic path… really, my entire life! It’s no surprise that figuring out what I want to do next is going to take a while. This is normal.
I still have some shoulds, but now that I’m aware of them, I’ll do my best to banish them. So, no, it’s not that I should do yoga every morning; rather, I want to and perhaps will do it. If not, that’s fine! Habits are hard to break; new ones take a while to stick. (Neuroplasticity is amazing, but changes don’t come in a day). Emotionally punishing myself will only lead to more problems. Life’s tough enough as it is: I don’t need additional stress!
What shoulds are holding you back?
Comments
11 responses to “Should”
I got over some of my “shoulds” by just doing some things, and by being easy on myself if I could not follow through on the things I should do. Chances are if I was avoiding something I “should” be doing, I was probably doing something I preferred to be doing. It gets easier to avoid what others think you should be doing (like being on the job market) the further removed you get from that particular circle (higher ed).
Agree! Glad you were able to break this bad habit.
Or as I’ve heard it said, “Don’t should on yourself.”
lol
Reblogged this on Bye Bye Academia and commented:
I also lived with many ‘shoulds’ during my PhD. I still live with them: I should publish more, I should read more on the latest research, I SHOULD STAY IN ACADEMIA.
Time to change my mentality: I need to start focusing on all the amazing skills and experiences I gained during the PhD process and how useful these will be in helping me get the post-ac job I so much desire. Bye, bye, ‘shoulds’!
Ugh, I’m struggling with the “I should get the diss published” one, these days. Also, do you know the Cheryl Wheeler song “I’m Unworthy?” A great, humorous take on trying to do to much:
“I’m unworthy, and no matter what I’m doing,
I should certainly be doing something else.
I should chant in impossible positions
till my legs appear to not have any bones.
I should rant at the cops and politicians
and the corporations-in indignant tones.
I should save lots of money to leave Audubon,
plus all the rocks and animals and plants.”
Thanks for the lyrics. Sigh. I still would like, to a few reasons, to move forward with the book project, but I’m resistant… and I think for good reasons, too. It’s a BIG undertaking. Well, sending in a proposal isn’t so much… I don’t know. But it’s off the “should” list!
the “shoulds” – yes, they are a curse of all open ended jobs: writer, researcher, teacher, artist…We can’t make them go away, but we do need to learn how to manage them. I’d tell you how, but i’m still working on that (or perhaps I “should” be working on that). I can say, however, that years ago I suffered regularly from “I should publish the dissertation.” Now, I’m so glad I didn’t and that I don’t have to say “I shouldn’t have!” 🙂
Glad to hear it! And to discover your blog… yay, thanks!
[…] * A recent post by Jennifer Polk, author of ‘From PhD to Life’, inspired this post. I highly recommend you check it out here: ‘Should’. […]
you were in a “should-y” situation.heh heh
anyway, should…i have had a great job for 11 years proved to have upward mobility, good pay, and, my favorite: tons of creative freedom. I did it without a degree – i walked away 3 classes from a sociology bachelors after ending my abortive school years broke and mentally paralyzed, disillusioned with school and myself.
should have stuck with engineering…should not have listened to my cute girlfriend who said “come on into sociology – it’s easy and we can take classes together!” (she would continue into PhD hell…) …I should have not been so self-absorbed with myself young guy, always dressing to look unique and cool and original…i put so much life energy into that when other young people I scoffed at were doing what i *should* have: focusing, thinking to the future, building their employability.