I lived with many “should”s during my PhD. I should have worked harder in classes, spent more time on my essays, read more books, taken better notes, tried harder to set up reading groups, done more research, visited more archives, ordered more photocopies, applied for more conferences, networked more actively, worked more consistently on my dissertation, been a better TA, sought to teach my own courses, submitted articles to journals, applied to academic jobs and postdocs. I’m sure I’m forgetting some! A bad case of the shoulds is hardly unique to academia, but it’s a pretty common affliction. And, like any disease, it’s harmful!
My should troubles continued after defending my dissertation and graduating. This past fall I had moments of postdoc and job market should, and a worse case of book proposal should that continued into this year. On the non-academic front, I was hearing a steady stream of “you should apply for jobs” from friends and family and my own left brain. Then there’s the more serious “you should know what you want by now!” Trouble was, I didn’t.
Slowly, the shoulds are dissipating. They started going away without my active intervention, an outgrowth of improving self-esteem, a better support system, and my giving myself a break. Life is hard. How many people really know who they are or what they want? How many people even ask themselves such questions? I spent nearly a decade in grad school and years before that on the academic path… really, my entire life! It’s no surprise that figuring out what I want to do next is going to take a while. This is normal.
I still have some shoulds, but now that I’m aware of them, I’ll do my best to banish them. So, no, it’s not that I should do yoga every morning; rather, I want to and perhaps will do it. If not, that’s fine! Habits are hard to break; new ones take a while to stick. (Neuroplasticity is amazing, but changes don’t come in a day). Emotionally punishing myself will only lead to more problems. Life’s tough enough as it is: I don’t need additional stress!
What shoulds are holding you back?
