I went on a date Monday night. It was with a man I didn’t know; we had dinner at a nice place. He’s a cook and restauranteur, which makes him, job-wise, quite unlike the people I’ve dated in the past. I was excited but also a bit nervous.
We talked easily but I noticed myself—sometimes in the moment but usually after-the-fact—downplaying my accomplishments. When he talked about his years of travelling and working all over the world, I commented that I’d spent my 20s in grad school. I contrasted his thriving and growing business with my unemployment; his past long-term relationships with my string of romantic failures. I wasn’t all doom and gloom (promise!) but there were moments I wish I’d handled better.
Why was I intimidated? Why am I not as confident as I should be? Why did I downplay my abilities, activities, and achievements? I’m amazing! I’ve done incredible things. I’ve been celebrated for my accomplishments in different fields. I’m creative, determined, passionate, smart, and maybe even a little inspiring. The way I talk about myself should reflect these things! This isn’t to say I should ignore the failures and frustrations. But neither should I ignore the successes and celebrations. This was a perfect opportunity for me to tell my story the way I want to, (mostly) free of preconceived notions on his part. Sigh.
The good news is that now I’ve noticed the problem, I can work on the solution! Narrative reframing now in progress….
Comments
6 responses to “My own worst enemy”
sounds like my story
This underselling is so familiar to me as a woman! I remember a conversation with fellow grad students, about 10 years ago, in which we bemoaned the qualifying statements with which we made our contributions in class. 😛
Sigh. But you recognized it! So that’s good.
Underselling yourself can actually be a rational decision from a social skills perspective. Depending on who you are with, talking about your PhD, even in a non-bragging way, can generate a certain amount of jealousy and create distance. I’ve been razzed at my work place more than once for my academic background.
Sad, but true. People really can be quite petty.
It’s true! I’ve experienced that before.
You are not alone. Its not until we look back we realise we were all worried about the ‘wrong things’. Wish sometimes I could go back and give myself a shake..